LAST FAREWELL
“Are you alone?”, I heard him ask, I was trying to shake away the blanket of sleep that had almost descended on me until the phone rang. Hiro, I recognized his voice, I made a mental calculation as to what ungodly hour he’s calling at, and concluded that it’s probably 3am. I cradled the receiver in between my ear and neck, “Hiro, it’s late, get some sleep”
“Come meet me at the lobby”, he told me and then hung up. I let the dial tone fill the silence. In a minute I silently cursed myself as I slowly pushed Ryu’s sleeping body away from me and silently made my way to the bathroom to change. I looked at my tired reflection in the mirror. Until this last moment, I still have to come to him. I closed the door, making sure that Ryu was still sleeping soundly.
The lobby of the hotel wasn’t as deserted as I thought I saw Hiro sitting on one of the couches. I raised my eyebrows at his clothes – he still hadn’t changed since the wedding rehearsal. Wordlessly, he motioned for me to follow him outside. We have always been like this, even when we were kids, people thought we were siblings because of our closeness and ability to communicate without words. Now decades later we were still able to read each other and flow seamlessly with each other.
We were walking along the beach, both of us quiet. I knew better than to initiate conversation when he had called me down. Something must be bothering him, but I have to let him talk first. We walked past the late-night revelers at the brightly lit part of the shore, and instead walked further down the coastline. The lights and the music were farther from us now, and all we can hear is the gentle lapping of the waves. I pulled my jacket closer to my body as I followed Hiro’s straight back towards the palm trees. One of the trees had grown almost perpendicular to the sandy floor and that’s where Hiro took a seat and glanced at me to take a seat beside him. We spent a few moments just taking in the view, though there’s not much to see but the dark sea and a few stars.
“Were you nervous?,” he asked me, I looked at him and found that he was staring at me.
“Do you remember that instead of a hen night, I talked with you ?” I asked him, “I was so nervous then but you told me to follow my heart, no matter how confusing things were”
He chuckled, “I did, didn’t I? And look at you now”
“Three years and counting”, I said holding up my hand to show him my wedding ring, I looked at him as he smiled wistfully. “I followed my own advice the next day”.
And we both laughed at the same time – looking at each other we knew what the other person was thinking about. The most romantic speech he ever made and yet at the most inappropriate time. I took the unconventional route of making Hiro my Man of Honor which had seemed like a good idea since he was my closest friend and we basically grew up joined at the hip. I couldn’t imagine anyone else being there beside me. I was going to marry Ryu, although we were only dating for five months and engaged for three months both of our families were agreeable to our match and Hiro although reluctant finally approved of Ryu after a drinking duel slash marathon.
When Ryu proposed to me, Hiro was the first person I called. He had congratulated me and quickly took his position as my Man of Honor as soon as I asked him. During the wedding preparations Ryu and I were both thankful that Hiro was there to stand in Ryu’s place when he was busy with work to go to appointments with me. So it was that my wedding preparations just flew by without any teary or violent episodes with me transforming into Bridezilla, Hiro always kept me in check.
The night before the wedding I was panicking with the thought of spending an entire lifetime with Ryu. I didn’t dare tell him about my doubts so I called up Hiro. He asked me to do what I normally do when I’m stressed – make a list of pros and cons. Ultimately, I was too frazzled to make a logical list and in the end he told me to just follow my heart. Of course at that time, none of us knew that Hiro was the one who’s going to have cold feet. In the middle of the ceremony he suddenly interrupted the pastor and confessed– in front of me, my husband (well future husband), our respective families and his then girlfriend that he loved me and would not stand by my marriage. We were all stunned into silence, at the revelation that nobody could quickly recover from it. That is why when Hiro, who had been standing beside me, grabbed my hand and made a run for it I instinctively ran with him too. By the way I strongly discourage future brides from doing what I did in all likelihood that they may face the same scenario.
It was only in the car after Hiro’s mad dash driving, I believed he seriously thought that we were going to be chased, that I realized the full extent of the consequences of his (not discounting my) actions.
“I still don’t know why I ran away with you”, I said, though that probably may well be a lie. Of course I knew why I had run away. At that instant I had a glimpse of what my life with Hiro would be like.
“Shock maybe? It was only after an hour of driving did you realize what happened and started to hit me that I had to stop the wedding car”.
“You were insane for pulling that off”, truthfully I was glad that at least one of us admitted our feelings for each other. I was so afraid of losing Hiro once I married Ryu. Although Ryu had been understanding of my relationship with Hiro I knew that another reason why he wanted us to quickly get married is so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time with Hiro.
I didn’t tell Hiro, and until now he’s unaware that had he confessed to me the night there would be no wedding the next day. But by the time I reached the altar I was ready, more than prepared to commit to Ryu. Hiro had been my best friend, my soulmate but for some reason we didn’t become a couple, like Fate or Destiny always intervened. Maybe we were like parallel lines, destined to be going through things together but never really connecting in THAT way.
“I can’t believe you ruined my wedding like that!”
“Almost!”, he tried to correct me, “After all you were still married that day”
That was true, I forced Hiro to turn back though it was more of pleading and begging on my part. He argued that I would be making the biggest mistake of my life by marrying Ryu, at that time my feelings for Ryu and our marriage were a bit shaken by Hiro’s confession but in my mind saw the faces of Ryu and all the other people at church who were waiting for me, these people who loved me just as much as Hiro did. I couldn’t bear the thought of betraying everybody for the man I loved. I’m not like Hiro.
I knew it was going to be difficult to convince him to go back. He was so sure of his feelings for me and my (hidden) feelings for him that he was willing to forsake everything. In the end, I just told Hiro that I will get out of the car and he will never see me again if he doesn’t turn around. Although I probably wouldn’t have done well on my threat, it was enough for him to turn the car around and drive back to the church.
Thankfully, Ryu still had faith in me and asked the guests and the pastor to hold on a little longer. When we arrived, it was understandable that my parents were livid and so was Ryu’s parents while Hiro’s girlfriend well, let’s say that she didn’t spend another moment in the church, after delivering a self-satisfying slap to Hiro’s face. Ryu was not angry but more of relieved that I came back to him. After I apologized to everybody about my for a lapse in judgment, I forced Hiro to apologize, and in typical Hiro fashion he told the whole wedding party that it was just a way for him to test the love that Ryu and I have for each other, and with a big smile on his face congratulated me and Ryu for passing the test.
‘I’m just happy that Ryu didn’t skin you alive”
“Well he could’ve with the look he kept giving me”
“Be thankful he didn’t throw you out of the church”
“Did you think that I wanted to see you getting married off to him while I was harboring feelings for you?”
I laughed out loud and reminded him, “Your feelings were five years late!”
The smile from his face vanished, and he went back looking at the sea.
“We could still hang out, you know just the two of us,” he was talking to me but he was still looking out to the sea.
“I doubt your wife would be excited at the prospect”
“Nor your husband” , he said with a shrug. He put a hand to his pocked and then he held out the two rings. We both spent awhile looking at the two gold wedding bands. He let it roll around in his palm.
“So I’m really going to take the plunge?” he asked more to himself than to me.
I patted his hand, “You’re gonna be fine. You’ll be a good husband to Kyoko and a good father to your baby”.
Hiro grasped my hand quickly and held it there. I looked at him, his long dark brown hair was covering his face, and I couldn’t see his eyes. Suddenly I felt a hot tear drop at my hand and realized that he was crying.
“Hiro? What’s wrong?”
He looked up at me, and I saw that he was really crying, he whispered, “Why didn’t we?”
I looked away. Strangely my heart was beating fast, though I know that I loved Ryu my heart would also always love Hiro. To see him cry like this made my heart feel something I had not felt in a long time. Hiro started to stroke my hand, I looked back at him. He stared at me and then gently he took off my wedding ring and put it in his pocket. I wanted to close up my palm and tried to break free from his grasp because it was the right thing to do. But I couldn’t and didn’t want to – is it possible to love two people in the same way? How is it that my feelings for him remain unchanged except that I couldn’t freely express it like I do with my husband?
I heard myself gasp when Hiro slid the gold ring into my finger after he slipped on his ring. He lifted my chin with his hand, and I realize I couldn’t see him properly because I was crying too. I realized that tonight this one selfish act is our way of mourning for our loss. We did not and will never really lose each other – but tomorrow at his wedding we’ll lose the hope that someday we’ll see our love become more than what we are, what we were.
“ I, Kato Tomohiro…” Hiro began reciting his wedding vow, but I didn’t recognize it as the one he had written for Kyoko.
“Take Matsuda Aoi as my soulmate and best friend. Keeper of my secrets, the light of my life…”
The vow was for me . It didn’t matter to me and I guess to Hiro that tomorrow is his wedding day, and he’ll probably say another set of vows. But everything about this moment seemed so right.
“I will be closer to you than a brother, more than a husband, when everything else falls apart, I know my love for you never will. We may have chosen to lead separate lives,” he stopped talking and looked down on our entwined hands, “You will always have the biggest space in my heart. And because of you I will always want to live a wonderful life.”
When he stopped talking, he cupped my face in his hands and wiped off my tears with his thumbs and smiled at me.
“I love you always”, he whispered looking straight into my eyes. He planted a soft kiss on my forehead and then drew me to him in a hug.
“How can you do this on the eve of your wedding?”, I finally spoke up, my tone was teasing but my question was serious.
“Tomorrow is a new day”, he replied, letting me go from his hug. He slipped his hand into mine our fingers intertwined. He lifted up our hands, “It suits you”. I let out a laugh.
“Tomorrow is a new day”, I repeated after him. I squeezed his hand tightly and then rested my head on his shoulder.
I once heard someone say that true love is all about timing. That two people can feel mutual attraction and act on it at the same time is what Love is all about. The magic can just be simply broken down to factors of timing and want. Does that mean our love is not true love? I don’t think so, our love is real and genuine, and we can’t disqualify what we feel. But for me and Hiro the timing was never perfect, our hearts were in cadence but because of obstacles and our individual decisions we did not end up being together.
As we both made our way back to the hotel, I slipped back my wedding ring, while Hiro pocketed his wedding rings. We talked about who we expect to cry the most (Hiro’s Mom) and who would probably get drunk the most (one of Kyoko’s four brothers), laughing like nothing happened. Because we love each other we can wish for each other’s happiness, even if it has meant that we won’t be spending our happily ever after together.
-end-
WRITTEN BY: Elle (elleboheme)
